mattSPACE

I am ready to take on the taking off of my protective gear. I am ready to declare and then let go of the consumeristic self-obsession in which most of us (in my peer group) engage. Here is my declaration!

I am afraid. I am afraid of not pleasing my parents. I am afraid of not pleasing the anonymous gaze which I have allowed to reside in my mind and belly. I am afraid of the “cop in my head” (as Boal calls it), the totalitarian government which has taken power over my psyche. I am afraid.

I am horny. I am extremely preoccupied with sex and with the attractiveness, the mysteriousness, the seeming incorrigibility of men. I am ready to admit this and move on instead of denying it to myself and others, chastising myself every time I feel attraction in public, and pursuing relationships (with both men and woman) which re-enforce this self-destructive tendency.

I am angry. I am enraged about the systematic destruction of the biosphere, the ignorance of most of those who are complicit in this process, the carelessness of those who are more aware, and humanistic discourses (on race for example) which exclude or ignore the environment in favor of a anthropocentric worldview. In a very personal way, I am furious about the conditions under which I grew up, even though they were comparatively favorable. My anger in this regard stems from a near complete lack of education or general acknowledgement of nature in any social sphere, the complete lack of acceptance and/or visibility of queer people, people of differing cultural, national, religious, or racial backgrounds, animals, and plants.

I am needy of your love and approval. I want you to like me. I will manipulate you (perhaps so well that you won’t even notice) so that you validate my pursuits and confirm my goodness. This is because I do not believe in myself. Most people do not believe in themselves. The most conniving, hubristic individuals must exert their power over others in order to prove to themselves that they are valid, righteous, individuals. If they had no doubt, they’d have nothing to prove. In this manner, I have spent what I consider an unhealthy (but by no means unusual) amount of time trying to conform myself to an image of a “standard” human being. Public education as well as years of what anthropologists call informal sanctions have conditioned me to suppress my own feelings – including such basic urges such as sexual orientation – in favor of enacting a presentation of self which appears to arise from “acceptable” emotional impulses.

I am quixotic. I want to transfer again. I want to drift through Sub-Saharan Africa. I want to move to the West Coast and live in a Zen Center. I want to go back to Spain. I want to move back to Ponte Vedra, start a farm, and run an organic produce market which doubles as a space for ecological, anthropological, and artistic pedagogy so that other children will not have the same anger I have today.

I am not going to apologize. In the words of Jurassic 5: “Fuck the 1st Amendment! My speech was free the day my soul descended!” Beyond constitutional rights, there is nothing, no pre-existing condition, no argument which warrants my remorse for declaring the above. The more honest I am with myself and those who I am close to the further (I individually and we as a community) will go in our shared desire to have healthy, non-destructive, joyess lives. Radical honesty is the only way.

Now that I have made these statements, I intend to challenge myself to live these feelings honestly and through this pursuit, attempt to overcome them or integrate them healthily (i.e. in a way that doesn’t produce pain in my life or those of others) into my life.
I will follow these declarations with a list of goals. A map of my most difficult terrain now laid before me, I hope to conceive of a way through, a path to transcendence, and realization. Vamos a ver lo que pasa…

So, I’m finally writing again. Jamie and I have been flying (that is driving quickly) across North America – Wisconson, Minnesota, South Dakota, Montanta, British Columbia, Oregon. We’ve been taken in by a Christian summer camp in Frost, MN (pop 400), a jaded environmental lawer in Missoula, MT, the horse-breaking daughter of a logger in St. Ignacias, MT, a queer human rights activist in Vancouver, Jamie’s amazing friend and teacher from her year in India and Nepal, also named Jamie, on Bowen Island, BC, and, most recently, a self-sufficient, off the grid, organic farm and appropriate technology institute/community outside of Cottage Grive, OR. We have camped in incredible places all over the west and currently have our tent set up in a hidden cove on the Oregon coast. I am in love with America for the first time. The emphasis on public land out here in the west is so refreshing. Even in small towns, there seems to be a stronger awareness of the environment, whether as recreational sites, natural resources, or habitats in need of protection. This sensibility is refreshing coming from six months in the suburbs of Chicago. On the prairie of IL, with its high availability of water and complete lack of topographical variation (i.e. no hills or mountains) development sprawls out to the horizon, a grid of cement, steel, and wires which cover and cut the land with no concern for ecology. The West certainly has its evironmental issues – water-use rights, logging, over-hunting, to name a few – but there seems to be more of an active discourse here, or, rather, one that takes place in many more circles.

Another element of discovery on the trip has been my discovery of Buddhism. I suppose Buddhism has never been far from my mind. But I have never so clearly understood that whether Zen or Shambala, I think it is part of my path.

Well, I want to write more but Jamie is waiting and we’re both starving (have to go back to the tent and make polenta). So, whoever is reading this, I love you. Write to me.

Here is a link to some photos from my trip with Jamie.

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