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I’m grasping for a sense of complete engagement. I remember wanting to go to a monastery when I was younger; fifteen or so. Slowly, as I learned to suppress my quixotic desperation I lost the desire to be in that kind of removed, intense environment. But recently the desire is coming back. And if it is not a desire, it is an image which comes as a logical step in an imaginary trajectory. I see still images of myself set next to one another, images which signify evolution, like the gradually rising ape rising into man. Instead of standing, however, I have recently come to see myself lowering, sitting, and meditating. My diagram, like those on the walls of biology classrooms has no background. In this premonition I have no idea where I will be sitting, but I think it is in a retreat.
What a poorly written paragraph! Jack is laying on the couch in my living room. At first he was sleeping, but now he’s creating a party on his phone/computer combination. He is charming people into the party, creating a slightly different advertisement for each person. He is attuned to what appeals to whom. And I have been listening while writing and have proved to myself again that I need an isolated experience.
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